So, this week I’ll be finishing my second week at my new job. I’ve been excited to finally be going back to work, earning an income, learning a new skill, making new friends…!
Whelp, by day two, I found myself a bit overwhelmed… I had forgotten what it was like to be the new girl… the outsider coming in… to be learning something completely new… all those wretched insecurities I thought I’d overcome came rushing to the surface… that desire to be liked, known, belong… All day, I tried hard to be pleasant and a fast learner… showing my value and competency… By the end of the day, I was a wreck… why do I feel this way? Why should I care what others think? Why can’t I simply be myself??
Now, I’m just gonna get real… Sometimes life just… sucks… I always hated that word, but am learning it really sometimes fully expresses life’s valleys… Even when the sun is shining and all is well in our world, we can still feel emotionally bankrupt, broken, insecure…
Over the last couple weeks, I’ve come back face-to-face with my humanity… that part of myself which, if I’m honest, I hate… Even as I drained like a sponge while talking with my sister about it, I felt ashamed, guilty, and disappointed in myself… God has done SO much for me, not only over the course of my life, but especially recently… Why do I still feel broken?
Ah, but I am human… wanting to be liked, fit in, belong is only natural… yet, I loathe my own insecurities and despise my overcompensating self… But you know what, that’s OK!
It’s okay to be human… to be awkward… to let yourself feel what you feel and be what you are….
I was reminded that even in the midst of my humanity, Jesus whispers, “I’ve been there…” After all, He came clothed in flesh and bones like you and me… He skinned His knee… felt the desire to belong… perhaps even felt insecure in His human appearance… Surely, He can relate to my feelings, my struggles, my brokenness…
“Since the children have flesh and blood, He too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil—and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death…”*
Yes, He shared in my humanity… So, even as He did, what was His call?
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”**
I am simply to come to Him… to rest… just be… Allow myself the grace to feel what I am… human. In the meantime, He will hold me, love me, revitalize me… He alone can give me peace amidst the pain… joy amidst the junk… hope amidst the heap… Life doesn’t leave us on the mountain tops, but neither are we left among the shadows of the valleys… But if we keep walking, we will be able to attest to the joy of His presence…
pc: dani Izac, Cape Town, South Africa